memorydisease

memorydisease @ 2009-11-18T14:25:00

2009-11-18T19:25:33Z

I'm annoyed with situations I get myself out of.
And pissed off that I convince myself that there isn't any way out of this.

memorydisease @ 2008-12-02T08:17:00

2008-12-02T13:20:38Z

I haven't been to school in a month.
I also have no job [which isn't entirely true, but I haven't started my new job]
I am basically a shut in.
My bedroom is about the extent of my world.
And honestly. I don't care.
I don't want to go out and face the day anymore.
Which is apparently why I have to go back to therapy.
Ah, how wonderful.

Oh also,
I hate christmas. That's all.

PEACE

memorydisease @ 2008-09-09T08:59:00

2008-09-09T13:01:31Z

Well, i finally started college, so hurrah for me and being a first year journalism student.

Apparently we have to lease Macbook Pro's from the school for this class but we get to buy them at the end of school and it all ends up cheaper than buying from the store even with the student pricing.

I have nothing else to say, hurrah!

memorydisease @ 2008-07-23T06:51:00

2008-07-23T10:53:11Z

Seven days until the cottage!
Seven days until I see Kevin again.
Seven days until I get to experience a four hour bus ride by myself and hopefully gather a few good stories from it.
Seven days until I get a 5 day vacation from work.
Seven days until I get out of this bloody city.
Seven more days until I can stop this stupid count down of days.

memorydisease @ 2008-06-07T23:28:00

2008-06-08T03:35:01Z

Some days I think to myself brittany you are just too awesome.
While other days I think to myself brittany, who the heck would ever want to hang out with you?
Still other days, like for instance Friday night, I think both these profoundly opposite thoughts at once.
Friday night I spent writing the word FACE over and over on a piece of paper after deciding that it is my all time favourite word,
I then proceeded to watch a couple hours worth of Rob and Big [MTV reality show AKA BEST TELEVISION IN HISTORY],
followed up by a lone photo session in my back yard of which I only have two pictures from, neither worth my time to look at.
In all this madness I felt that I was entirely ultra-mega-super-uber-above-and-beyond-way-too-ridiculously-maddeningly-awesome AND still who would ever want to be a part of all this craziness?
well.
I would.
and have no choice.
I am awesome.
You might be as well.
we could hang out.
but that might get messy.
PEACE

memorydisease @ 2008-05-11T08:28:00

2008-05-11T12:29:47Z

Brittany: I think I have the opposite of depression, it's really starting to freak me out.
Kevin: you're suffering from elation?!

I don't see how I got this happy.
when things aren't the way I thought they would be.
and I don't see why I try to convince myself this happiness isn't excellent.
I work a lot.
and run. and bike. and go for long ass walks.
and keep myself very busy. and only stop for sleep.
which lasts only 6 hours at the most.
and I don't care about the way you looked at me.
because you'll never see me that way again.
I love my Birkenstocks, even if they have holes in the bottoms.
and I love your music and mine.
I'm going to grow grow grow my hair.
I'm going to work this body to exhaustion.

memorydisease @ 2008-04-28T10:30:00

2008-04-28T14:29:47Z

I am single.
Working a lot.
I'm still breathing.
PEACE

memorydisease @ 2008-03-04T14:02:00

2008-03-04T22:04:59Z

News:
I got a new job. Working landscape for the summer. Quit my old job. I'll be working like crazy for the summer but that's okay.
Got into journalism at mohawk.
Got third place in a 5KM this past Sunday.
Nothing else that exciting,,,

PEACE

memorydisease @ 2008-01-27T11:41:00

2008-01-27T16:42:08Z

I want to punch you so hard in the face. So hard that your teeth fall out and you never recover. I want to knock you down and leave you inside yourself, with no way out. I want to see you feel the jail you've put me through. I want to have nothing to do with you and I want you out of my dreams. I want to watch movies and laugh, I want to hear music and dance. You're ridiculous. I hate that you got away with it, and now I can only hope every moment has exploded into the chaos you held it from. Fuck you.

In other news: I had my staff christmas party last night and it was good times. I didn't stay too long, but it was fun to see everyone in the same place at the same time... as this has never happened before. My boss sketches me out and came to talk to us about work, she scares me.

I think I have a complex.

PEACE

memorydisease @ 2007-12-13T10:38:00

2007-12-13T15:49:02Z

I've decided that in the mean time, before I go to school, I am going to start a business. I was thinking about going to the running room to teach one night a week a running clinic but then that got me to thinking that I might as well teach individual running clinics as well I know as much as an gym teacher or health section in a book-store about nutrition and exercise. I am going to be a personal trainer. I am thrilled at the idea, as I love nothing more than running and writing. Now I can manage my time to do both these things to the maximum capacity. I am not quitting the holiday inn since I only work there 2-3 shifts a week anyways. Not until I really get going and have enough clients to consider the idea of letting it be my sole income.

Brooks is really taking off in his creative world. and I am actually oddly very proud of my big brother lately. his photo show is coming up [jan 3rd] and everyone is invited. $6 at the door, 3 live acoustic bands and food. It's a semi formal event. www.brooksreynolds.com for more information [under the news heading, you'll have to scroll down a little].

I don't understand how I anyone expects me to get over this anxiety, but I have been under more control lately. Hurrah for therapy and 100s of my parents dollars put into my fears.

PEACE

memorydisease @ 2007-11-29T09:08:00

2007-11-29T14:11:25Z

I just made an article submission to the Globe and Mail.
I am tired of day to day.
I am usually better at my work, at least there I can pretend I am waiting for something after work.
I am turning into a bit of a femanist.
I need to be looked at, for just a little while.
I am happy to go to therapy.
I am easily knocked off my feet.
I am the oposite of confident.
I am in control.
I am an anxiety case.
I am in need of a run.

memorydisease @ 2007-11-26T18:06:00

2007-11-27T02:13:19Z

There are some days that are just better than others.
And as such some days just can not measure up.

memorydisease @ 2007-11-20T09:08:00

2007-11-20T17:14:47Z

Work is going pretty well. Even if I hate it. Who else can say that they get paid to read books, talk to some really cool people, explore a hotel, listen to music, watch videos, talk on the phone and hang out with their friends. And sure some nights I actually for 1 hour of work, but all in all I don't mind. Plus, I get paid double time for that one hour I actually work. IN ADDITION: I am not debt free, I've decided to go to Mohawk for Journalism next year and then Mac for a degree in Peace Studies. Sweet deals, only took a year and a half to decide where I MIGHT like to see myself. Better than never, I suppose.

Now I am going to go "dance" around with Anis and maybe wake Amir up for some gossip. For some reason I am pretty happy today. Feels nice.

Next Race: December 9th. || Current Running Time: 22.48 mins/ 5KM || Goal for Race: 20 minutes.

Music World is going out of business [says my mom] time to go buy music!

One of a Kind starts this week. And American Thanksgiving is on Thursday. SWEEEEEEETDEALZZZZZ.

Peace.

memorydisease @ 2007-11-17T16:06:00

2007-11-17T21:14:15Z

This was going to be a list of things I do and do not like.
All that seems to make sense out of all the things I listed are that:
I like my world.
and I don't like yours.
I like the way my world works, even when it seems like it isn't.
and I don't like yours.
I like my ups and downs.
and I don't like yours.
I like my tears, and my pain and my bad days.
and I don't like yours.
I like my joy, and my love and my excitment,
and I don't like yours.

memorydisease @ 2007-11-14T13:12:00

2007-11-14T21:15:29Z

Things get intense too quickly. The only thing that seems to make it all go away, the only okay place to be and now she tells me it's not okay. and that there is no where to hide myself. And this is me smiling and nodding because my denial, my world can't be shaken by this new bit of information. Damien Rice is all my ears want to hear, my bed is not as comfortable as him and I should definatly not be left alone to deal with these things on my own. However, unfortunatly, it seems I should not be left to deal with these things with anyone else. I am not angry, I am not even really sad. I am utterly disappointed and this time I can't shake off the impression that I am the last person on earth who should get back up. It's hard to believe tomorrow will even come, and even more difficult to imagine pulling myself out of bed for it.

Peace,

Britt

memorydisease @ 2007-11-07T17:54:00

2007-11-08T02:01:46Z

Anis is laying on the phone laughing with Eghan. His stomach is shaking very hard, and my legs are drapped over him. Making this typing hard to accomplish. It seems each time he stops laughing he starts again harder. It is very interesting to listen to boys talk on the phone. It seems they do not know anything about girls, as girls know nothing about boys. Oh joy!

I started going to a therapist this week. She has one of those hush-hush voices that make you want to curl up and sleep. I liked talking to her, but I am sure as we stroll further into my life this won't be fun anymore. She makes intense eye contact and whenever I glance up from the table it seems very intimidating to be there. But oh well, this is what everyone has agreed is best for me. Seeing as it's hard to get out of bed, and when I do get out of bed it's hard to stay out of bed... well, I suppose it's good to talk a little. I have to go once a week for a few months. And as long as she keeps this soothing voice I think it'll be alright.

My job is going alright. My boss is a bit too muhc to handle sometimes but it's okay. I told her off today and she told me I am overly sensitive. But honestly here is the situation- my boss calls me every morning AFTER my shift to ask me a million questions and tell me all the things I've done wrong. She never tells me anything positive and she expects me to be available for about 3 15-20 minute phone calls a week at 8 AM. I told her these calls were inappropriate. She has agreed to stop calling. I have not aggred to stop calling her a bitch. HUZZAH.

I do not know where I want to be in my life. It's agrivating the shit out of me, as my brother keeps getting more and more sucessful and the golden boy. My parents seem to only smile upon me when they feel pity because I can't make it through the day without crying. I feel so lame.

PEACE

memorydisease @ 2007-10-30T12:05:00

2007-10-30T19:09:44Z

So I am currently listening to Across the Universe's soundtrack while Anis cuts up watermelon and checks himself out in the mirror. Yesterday I had a mental breakdown and have decided that I am way purer than I had ever imagined. Lets just say that I can't handle all this nosense secks and objectifying that goes around these days.
Woman needs man like a fish needs a bicycle.
Tomorrow I am going to missisauga for a doctors appointment. Which I am not looking forward to because I just got home from the optomitrist. And waiting rooms suck. But that's okay because it's all for the health of Anis. Then we are going to dress up and go to the pub until I have me inevitable freak out about how all the girls are dressed like sluts and how if one more guy looks at me I might just slit my wrists. Because I want to be burried in a hole with only my head sticking out and ski mask over my face. I hate people. However, I love my Anis.
and this entry makes no sense.
I work too much.
and when I am not at work I am either sleeping or at Anis'. Or sleeping with Anis. Which ever you prefer.

PEACE,

Britt

memorydisease @ 2007-10-18T13:12:00

2007-10-18T20:15:55Z

How is it that this is the way things turn out?
That I have panic attacks until I am here
in this bedroom that is not mine
loved by this family that is just as equally not mine.
That I only work for enough to get out of what is mine
so I can escape to this place I do not own

memorydisease @ 2007-10-10T09:13:00

2007-10-10T13:16:16Z

I am sucesfully getting really sick again.
Only this time around not only do my joints hurt but my bones ache like crazy on top of it.
Anis is stuck in his house for 7 days and I am not allowed to visit.
or he'll actually become allergic to me, or things I like.
It sounds made up, and it's not.
I am sleeping an incredible amount
and food all pretty much tastes the same to me
I like milk a lot
and black out too much for my own safety
I want a therapist
and a handful of movies and books
throw in my own place
and a kitten
and I am set for life
but I want to keep miroslav, too
Being stuck at home this much is actually my worst nightmare.
5 days until I see my Ju-Jeh again.

and I am learning Farsi so well that I speak it in my dreams.
actually what I said in my dream was "man PISSED hastem" which means I am pissed.
good work brittany.
PEACE.

memorydisease @ 2007-10-07T11:03:00

2007-10-07T18:08:03Z

I am currently sitting in Anis' bedroom watching The OC on his laptop while his family rushes around cleaning.
I am in the mood for new clothes and a lot of sleep
Tomorrow is family thanksgiving
I am so not in the mood for family anything
and I just ate two eggs and rice
which is enough to feed a family
I am very full
words for today:
mahi, kaput, khob, bebakhshid, khoda hafez
And I clearly have nothing of interest to add in now.
peace

memorydisease @ 2007-10-03T09:36:00

2007-10-03T13:39:27Z

I'm waiting for the bus
or waiting to go wait for the bus
and I am confused
and I hate money
because I don't have enough
but I need out
and maybe I jumped to conclusions to fast
now I don't belong here
and my home is in a man
that loves me so much he wants to puke
and I want to puke at the thought of losing all of this
did I miss something in the book the outsiders?
did I miss something in catcher in the rye?
I can't relate to these people at all
I don't seem to have this basic connection down at all
and now I want to run away, run away, run away
Today Anis and I are going to carve a pumpkin and watch movies
and I still feel sick to my stomach
Tomorrow I signed myself up for a day of anxiety
and I am not working enough
and I hate money.

memorydisease @ 2007-10-01T08:42:00

2007-10-01T12:53:34Z

Tash is drunk drunk drunk.
He says he punched his woman in the face,
her lip bled,
she spit in his face.
It's okay, he assures,
they don't do this anymore
it was a three year period of their relationship.
Tash drinks moremoremore.
Amir does not look impressed.
Anis and I clingclingcling.
Costco: 2 new matresses
Tash drinks moremoremore
Rolls a joint
weed smells so good
Tash drinks more, smokes a joint in 2.2 seconds
We come to close to death
28 and no care for well being
I am envious
Tash stares at every ass he sees
Tash makes Anis steer the car a lot
I am zoning out; worried
My stomach is full of white rice
Anis presses so hard into my chest that I can't breathe.
He lets go but I can't breathe, can't breathe, can't breathe.
His parents are not sure, if they can destroy my family
I am not sure home is okay
my mom cries, cries, cries
I attend an evening seminar at church
I go back to his house for dinner at 10.
When I am not working that is where I will be
and I am scared
I want to curl up now
Stop breathing, stop breathing, stop breathing.
Today I do not feel like taking a shower.

memorydisease @ 2007-09-13T10:16:00

2007-09-13T14:21:37Z

This is called the Ihavetopeebuthereisaquickupdateforthesakeofanupdate.

Yesterday I did virtually nothing. Went to see Hairspray and I had to laugh because... well, it's just good times. My cousin believes that that movie truely depicts the 60s. She's a little dense. After that I came home and got limited to no sleep. I woke up at 8 to my mother yelling through my door "is something wrong?!" as if I should have been out of bed hours ago. Which is true, since 5 is my wake up time. Oh well. I'm up now and I hope it holds off raining because I really want to ride my bike downtown and do some serious writing at Second Cup later on today. Though I love this cool weather, gorgeous. Tomorrow I am going on a camping retreat with the youth group at church [of which I am a sponsor]. I'm pretty pumped, I miss being a stupid grade 10, and I love that these kids think I am so awesome because I am older.

I am wearing a belly warmer and it makes me feel almost superior in every way.

Peace.

memorydisease @ 2007-09-11T17:30:00

2007-09-11T21:42:19Z

Jobs I've been hired for/ worked at:
1. Home Hardware
2. Bluenotes
3. YMCA (X2)
4. Muskoka Woods
5. The Bay Family Restaurant.
6. Oakville Swim Academy
7. Foot Locker
8. Terra Greenhouse.
9. Ultra Mart
10. Pioneer Pools
11. Party Packagers
12. Value Village
13. The Children's Place

Today I applied to work at Green Earth PART TIME and yesterday I applied to work with Kandice.

Wretched
woeful and stained
ugly tattered inlay
pathetic; overtaking praised moments
melancholy

memorydisease @ 2007-09-10T09:30:00

2007-09-10T13:34:35Z

I can not express how unmovitvated I feel to get out of bed let a lone do anything once I've gotten up.
I am going to stop going to work.
and I want to stop going out.
and I want to sleep forever and ever.
And I want to write when I can't sleep anymore.
Until I've said every last thing my mind can remember.
Until every combination of letters and words tumbles out of whatever is left.
And when it's all out, when I have nothing left to offer, then I guess it won't be such a tragedy.
Being this low again was to be expected.

"Well, Jesus Christ, I'm alone again
So what did you do those three days you were dead?
Cause this problem's gonna last more than the weekend."

Peace.